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Dancing Within the Fire
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Date:2010-12-24 07:40
Subject:The obstacle is the path.

Yesterday was the one year anniversary of the day i lost my daughter. Oddly, I'm okay. We did everything we could to sleep through 3:10am. We went to a little place we love for breakfast called "Grandma's Kitchen," we shopped, and we exchanged our Yule/Christmas gifts, to keep our spirits up. It was a good, quiet day. We've survived a year. We both put some weight on, and now we've both lost it again. I'm down to where i was for the wedding, and i feel really good about myself. I'm between a 14 and a 16, quickly getting smaller. I'm happy for this. It's been an amazing struggle, but i'm good, really good. Eric and I walk 5 miles a night, come rain, sun, or hurrican. I think it does us both alot of good. He's finally home at night, but he had to go back to autobody to do it. He doesn't really like it, but it's more money, more time together, and he gets to feel like a human. I have a walking partner, and someone to celebrate when my goal jeans fit with.

I start school on January 19th. I'm excited and nervous. This year has brought me around to a point that i had to face. When looking down the slim barrel of dying, you realize what you really, honestly wanted to do, and that you might not have a chance to do it. So here we go, I'm now studying to be an archeologist. I'm proud of myself. I'm proud of Eric. I'm proud of us. I'm hoping that by June I'll be at 170 and buying my first shorts since i was a child. The end goal is to be between 140 and 155. But that will take a while. Another year, probably. I'm okay with that. I can try and have a child again when I'm smaller.

We've started training to run our first 5K this fall. I have a bad knee, so it's slow. I know i can do it, i can walk a 5k in the time they allow to jog it. If i have to do intervals, I'm okay with that.

Life is looking up and for the first time in a very long time, I'm okay. Merry Christmas, Happy Yule, and I wish you the very, very best in the next year.


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Date:2010-04-07 07:21

With all that has happened i have been licing off a diet of the 3 basic comfort foods... chocolate, fried, and Booze. And thusly have added a 20lb weight to the frame i had at the wedding. this of course, does not assist with the other issues I've been fighting off. I miss my favorite jeans... and I miss feeling as though i look good. I have enough demons to fight right now.. the mirror demon will be squashed as quickly as it came up.

In terms of life Eric and I are doing will. His schedule played hell for a while but now he's at least on one that allows us to see one another for part of the day. I still really dislike my work but I'm holding on until at least next year.. when Eric and I will decide wether or not we are adopting or trying again. If it's safe for me to try again.. blah.

On that note.. EVERYONE is pregnant. I have recieved 2 phone calls from very dear friends actually appologizing for it... seriously? I understand.. and yes... there is this part of me that it really bothers... REALLY bothers, but I certainly dont want everyone to wait for me to emotionaly heal to move on with their lives. I'm doing fairly well i think. Eric and i have caught some major issues before they've started. All in all we're moving forward normally.

on happier news... my house is spotless... HURRAY! I really enjoy it when it's clean.

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Date:2010-02-27 01:09
Subject:... small rant... and... small update.. and stuff

you know I'm tired. You know things are tough. You know I'm still wearing my fighting face...

The sun has not yet crested. Not really. There is still.. so... much... I feel as though so many people are transitioning from one life to the next right now... but in truth few really have, or are expected to.

I'm holding secrets from family, about family right now... why did I get to be the one to hold them? Why am I helping protect others? Why aren't you instead protecting me? I hate to claim myself as being one of the most damaged by loss as of late... but i feel I am. please don't hide your fears in me. Not now. Not this year. I'm honestly reaching my limit.. do I have one? I don't know. I truly believe I'd have reached it by now if i did.... I think I'd have reached it on December 23rd. Personally. *sigh* I don't know what I'm running on anymore. Beer and caffeine? The souls of bunnies? I have no idea.

I find myself fighting back this emotional response that borders on the mixture of terror and true, extreme despair far more often than I thought possible. I was listening to Pandora today and a Tracy Chapman song rolled through. The line "does heaven have enough angels yet?" struck a chord in me.... So i paid more attention... and though I might fall out of my chair.

The Only One lyrics

She was the only one
Of my flesh and blood
Now I have no calling
I can do no worldly good
I sit silent
I sit mourning
I sit listless all the day
I've mostly lost the voice to speak
And any words to say except
Does heaven have enough angels yet?
I've gone hard
And I've gone cold
I can't make the piece of this cracked life fit
Please forgive me for wanting to know
Does heaven have enough angels yet?
She was the only one
Of my own flesh and blood
Sometimes I hear her calling
Straight from the house of god

I've lost my patience for people right now. I cannot handle people that are unreliable or unstable right now. I am unreliable and unstable right now. I know it sounds horrible... but in most cases right now I have a hard time dealing with the concept that people believe they have the right to be so damned angst ridden when nothing has happened to them. Nothing. A stubbed toe in the world of things that matter. I know how that makes me sound. I'm sorry for it. I can go to work every day, sleep every night, laugh with my husband and live a normal, happy, angst free moment most days. If I can do it, 2 months after December. Learn. To. Fucking. Cope.

*brighter notes of life*

Mick and Bill bought me a ticket to Avenue Q for my birthday. I am freaken excited. Also over the firstish week of March Eric and I are going up to Sedona. of Course the reason we're going is not exactly a happy one, but we're going up there to spend some quiet time together now that we've stepped back into the world for a while. We need to regroup. Before we kill people.

I'm hunting for a new Tattoo artist it seems *sigh* sad Killa. I do have some art picked out now though.

I've been working pretty heavily on writing Erotic Fic lately. Why? because I can and it makes me happy. What makes you happy? go do that.

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Date:2010-02-14 17:10

Eric bought me a stuffed Dragon for V day. It comes with name rights to a star, an actual, celestial, star. We will be naming it Eowyn.

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Date:2009-12-23 15:56
Subject:The email that went out.
Mood: grieving

Dearest Friends and Family,

Early this morning, after much quiet contemplation, Killa and I let our little girl go to a better place.

Many of you knew her condition had worsened over the last few days. Her blood pressure dropped too much, causing complications with most of her systems. She was retaining all her fluids, and had no kidney function at all. The doctors thought she had a major infection, but in babies as small as Eowyn, it's very difficult to get an accurate blood culture to prove it. Because of this, they put her on several antibiotics, hoping that one of them would catch whatever she had. They tried many different treatments to get her blood pressure back up, and her kidneys working again.

Last night, Dr. Springer and her colleagues, all wonderful people, told us that it was nearing the time when they couldn't do anything more for her. There was one very risky, completely experimental option they could try, but was entirely untested and unproven. An artificial blood product called Hespan may seal her veins enough to allow her to retain the fluid in her veins, instead of letting it leech into her surrounding tissue. The potential risks, however, could have included permanent severe physical or mental disability, organ failure, or even nearly immediate death. We decided against this. We felt we had put Eowyn through so much already, that we couldn't bear making her suffer or losing the opportunity to say goodbye in a better way.

So, last night at midnight, they gave her one last course of blood pressure medication and diuretics. Her last chance of pulling through, if you will. After the medications, her vitals continued to degrade, so we knew it was time. My parents and Killa's mom and aunt, along with several of our closest friends, said our goodbyes. They disconnected all the machines, and we held our little girl for the first time. She went peacefully from this world in the arms of her loving parents at about 3:20am, December 23. She was exactly one month old.

Memorial services will likely be this weekend. I will send more details once it has been finalized.

Eric and Killa

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Date:2009-12-23 13:39

Grief in an interesting thing. It can cause the strongest walls to crumble, the weakest walls to be built, cities to stand on end, and the greatest acts of kindness. It can bring people together or it can pull people apart. It may slay lions or save butterflies. It can turn warriors into children and children into warriors. It may overcome you, debilitate you, or it may make you soar.

Love is the most incredible and diverse human emotion. It pulls souls together, and rips them apart. It dances in the shadows unheard and unseen or it dances with full glory as though it were a very life of its own. It makes you beg, makes you cry, makes you laugh, and makes you grieve.
Love is what brings our souls to bear the grief this world can hand us, it is what causes us to stay within ourselves in the greatest times of pain. It is also what causes us to allow one another to escape ourselves, to escape the pains of this world, to move beyond the fabrics one this life and on to another. Love causes the greatest of pain, the greatest of grief, but the greatest warmth, and the the greatest of peace.

At about 3am Eric and I faced the most painful decision we've had to, or I truly believe, ever will have to look at again. We will explain more to what happened when we find the words. But for now our little girl is free from all that was hurting her.

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Date:2009-11-30 11:41

so, for those of you that have been paying attention.

Eowyn has had two very good days, we're going to go see her this afternoon. They have managed to wean her off her blood pressure medication, along with turn her Vent down some and swap out her belly button IV line to a better, more stable PIC line in her arm. She still has a small flappy hole in her heart which is very normal, if it does not correct itself in a couple of weeks or appears to start causing problems they will have to go in to fix it. The doctor says that in most cases they do need to fix it. Apparently this is a fairly normal surgery in Extremely early births but wont cause her heart issues later in life.

She does however have a bleed in her head. Its a grade 3 out of 4 potential grades. So... not good. It will take time to see how bad it is however and what it will do to her. It is on the left side only. But her white count and platelets have stabilized so its a good sign that its stopped. Also there has been no visible or measurable head swelling. Also good.

She's still on IV nutrition and will be for a while. Eventually they will start trying small amounts of breast milk. which is good as It seems I am meant to keep them well stocked.

They've not weighed her again yet or measured her. She probably wont change too much until they start feeding her though.

If they can swap her over to another kind of vent in the next couple of weeks we'll finally get to hold her. I'm very excited about that. Eric has started reading to her. It's the most adorable thing in the world.

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Date:2009-11-27 13:11

so tired. Its been.... an exciting week. Eowyn is here... and beautiful. I am here... and tired... am hoping that they let me go home tonight. its all depending on my blood pressure. I have been here for a week now. I have gone through over 20-30 needles, TONS of pain killers, I am covered in bruises, I have gained 50lbs and lost 20 now, I have nearly seized, nearly died, had a child, Nearly lost her, I have been made eternally more grateful for my incredible husband than I ever thought possible. I have learned new priorities, new things to be thankful for, new things to love, new things to fear. I am excited about my life today, and tomorrow, I am over joyed at the new little wonder in my life. Little miss Eowyn Rose Moe.

I think she looks like her daddy. She's so tiny. SO TINY. She reached out and held my finger when I was with her a few days ago and she's as light as a bug. My little Lady Bug.

I'm going to get some rest....

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Date:2009-10-27 07:13

So... updates?

We're now over half way through the baby growing (21 weeks)... I look like it.


her name is Eowyn Rose Moe.

brief scare yesterday... turned out to be blood vessels that burst in the cervix. Was told to take it easy for a day or two... so am going to work a half day today as not working for 2 days in a row is not really an option for me.

We're having a Halloween party this friday. Yes we miss you. Yes please come. Yes we're dumb for not seeing anyone. Dumb Dumb DUMB.

Finished watching Torchwood yesterday... the whole thing... including children of earth. Its brilliant, they're beautiful, I wept.... ALOT, Jack is possibly the hottest example of Choatic good out there and SOOO on my list. Hell, today he IS my list..... but MY GOD... Children of Earth was so dark... It was the first thing I thought of when I woke up. Maybe it's because I'm pregnant.... no... no.. it was just REALLY F'ed up. *brilliant*

So the Nursery is Dragon themed. read: NOT PRINCESS themed. we're going for the Maid Marion Vs. pink and annoying. Hell I might through a Bad Ass Lady Paladin in there just to even things out a bit. ... Course The paladin I play in Dnd is a Beloved of Valarian... so she rides a unicorn.. *PRETTY*. ... thats like... Bad ass girly right? Pretty magic horsey... BIG ASS SWORD!

So if anyone has any Spare Dragon stuffies or knights or unicorns or... you know... good not to evil stuff.. let me know.. its hard to find.

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Date:2009-09-13 15:14

alright folks, I have a few evenings open coming up, any takers?

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Date:2009-08-14 07:29

Warcraft blip:

Not fair by the way that now that I'm all preggo and cant drink my main rp character gets the same way.... so now I cant even drink virtually.... *sigh* Poor Killa/Dea.

End warcraft blip.

FRIDAY! YAY!!!!! oh how I love and adore you Friday!
PAYDAY! YAY!!!!! Oh how I love and adore you Payday!

August party! YAY!!! Oh how I've missed you....

anything else I missed?

New modem and stuff as our neigbors acrossed the ally seemed to have cut our cable lines and tries to barrel connect it back to geter with a pair of pliers and electrical tape (jerks):/. The company at first said it was on our end, so we bought new stuff and they still couldnt see it. So then they sent out a very nice tech (kinda cute btw :p) who ran all new wire and after 2 days of no webbies at home... YAY WE HAVE WEBBIES! and webbies with a better more streamline connection point... which leads to a better more streamline connection. *joy* I didnt DC!

Work still sucks. Husband still good. Looks like I'm skipping fair this season... as I'm due in early march... that would be bad. (and not very nice of Paul to say I'd pop the second I stepped on the grounds BTW!)

We're going to Starwars in concert with the PFF. I think its on October 4th. *excited* by the PFF I mean We'll be sitting next to mick and Bill, Nathan and Trips will be somewhere in the same area. ... I dont know who else is going.

Oh shit! I have to plan Vegas in september! SHIT!

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Date:2009-08-13 07:20

So. Baby got first photos. *giggle* currently being Dubbed "gerbil". Dad said lizard.. but Gerbils are cuter.

9 more weeks until we find out the gender. Votes?

SO TIRED! UGH! cant wait for the weekend damnit.

so done with work. my job, my senior manager, all of it.

I wont be leaving however... no. I've been here for 14 months... I'll be damned if i dont make it 2 years and get that extra week of vacation.

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Date:2009-06-24 06:52

I've been distant this week. I'm sorry. Call me this weekend Jt, I'm sorry about not returning your call.

Grandpa has congestive heart failure, Dr. white gave him 2 weeks. Currently we're trying to prep to bring him home so he can die in his own room. Its not easy, my grandparents are compulsive Hoarders, We have to make it safe.

In the process we found my great grandmother's mother ring. My grandmother's wedding set, which made my mother and I smile. Her ring is white gold, with a single small chip diamond in the middle of several flat rectangular rubies. My mothers ring is 2 Diamonds with a prodominate Ruby. I of course, have a sapphire.

We found a love letter from a woman named Jenny, addressed to my grandfather in 1943. *laugh* my grandmother's competition.

We also found day by day notes from his time in Germany during the war.

I'm not feeling well today.

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Date:2009-05-07 17:41

So. in the past month:

Dad had emergency surgery in Tulsa OK. So mum, Laura, Alex and I drove from Sunday night to monday night to get there, and then Tuesday night to Wednesday mid day to get home. In the time I was gone my grandfather broke his knee, and was put on hospice care, my husband lost his job. I got a grand total of about 8 hours of sleep. Aunt Laura found out in tulsa that her cancer spread, I consumed more caffeine and shit food than I ever did when I was partying. and...... I learned that some people just dont get to have the honey moon periods after their wedding.

fuck you life.

fuck you.

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Date:2009-04-30 22:00
Subject:just another day in paradise

today i weighed 210.0 my lowest point yet (without vomiting the night before) I am officially smaller that my husband. Size 16s are getting more and more comfortable. I'm smaller than I was when we met too. only 10 lbs until the big 200. I'm very excited about that. I've not seen 1?? since.... I was 17? I think. Also 4 more lbs until I have officially lost 50 total. 50. 50! Thats... nearly half way to where I want to be. I'll hit that at 200. the half way mark. the gateway to a size 14 jean...... I dont even know how to shop for a size 14 jean... do I still shop in the plus size section or can I now enter the smaller... "normal" size section.

Eric is working on drawing up a version of my next ink. I do so hope to have it soon. He's such a technical thinker.. this makes him very good at knot work. I'm excited about it. for one his anal retentive ways work in my favor....

We walked the dogs last night. poor Eric wore bad shoes and got blisters. no more walking on his chucks. Also walking to dogs with my husband is out for a couple of days.

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Date:2009-04-26 14:08

Comment and I will:
Tell you why I friended you. (Or, like, some relevant equivalent for non-journal people.)
Associate you with something; fandom, a song, a colour, a photo, a word, et cetera.
Tell you something I like about you.
Tell you a memory I have of you.
Ask something I’ve always wanted to know about you.
Tell you my favourite user pic of yours.

In return, you must post this in your LJ/DW/blog/whatever.

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Date:2009-04-24 06:28
Mood: tired

This week has been a bit unfriendly. With the pipe breakage on sunday and the stomach flue mid week, we've had a bit of a rough post wedding week. Its been a little hard to return to my before wedding eating plan. This is happening just today, though I am going to finish off the last of my all natural ginger ale. The worst thing in it though is Cane juice, and I only have 3 more bottles. As of this morning I am 13 pounds from a big break through number. I simply cannot wait to see 199 lbs on my scale.

We are going out dancing with some friends of ours tonight, it's been so long since I've been out dancing. I am kind of excited. Of course I'm also excited that I fit into this dress that I'm planning on wearing, as I've only been able to wear it once... years and years ago. I'm also admitably very nervous. Its been.... since then.... since I've talked myself into a club. so many years ago...... I was a difforent person. Eric and I will be taking our own car.. just incase I have to abandon ship.

I suppose I'm just looking for a bit of eating plan reboot support. It's rough to let my mexican food go again, but I know its better for me. We spent 50 dollars on produce last night.

Scott was finally approved for his nursing license. I'm super excited for him. Eric is going to call the guy he interviewed with at the begining of the week today. we're really hoping for this job. It will save our home.

My house is such a mess! I just had it sooo clean!!! Dang it! Its rough to keep it clean when I'm still hunting for places to put things, and Eric just finished the Hutch last night. I have to say I'm super excited about the hutch, yes its more to dust BUT I can display some of our nicer things. Our friend Jeff bought us a quaich, (quake) it is a traditonal scottish marriage cup with a handle on both sides. I've not seen it yet as it is apparently still being engraved, but it will be nice to have a place for it.

Blah, thats it I think. Happy friday!

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Date:2009-04-20 21:20

we are wedded. We have a house full of boxes. I am excited to have new things. I want them to be where they belong. it is going to be a long week of unpacking and repacking.

on an ironic note after getting home on sunday we found a pipe broke from our water heater and flooded both the laundry and storage rooms. *sigh* yay wedding!

oh, eric had a surprise interview today, he thinks he may have gotten the job. *crosses fingers* this job will save our home.

more wedding details with pictures later

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Date:2009-04-17 21:19

woohoo here we go... less than 24 hours!

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Date:2009-04-15 06:16

last day of fedex office for the week!! YAY!!!!!! of course it will be the longest day of my week. but whatever. after 3 pm. I get to go home.
its work on/finish wedding music night.

Tomorrow is:
sleep in,
finish up the music if we haven't already.
Finish my hair piece.
Refresh the ceremony stuff, insert vows, do the formal print out.
Finish cleaning my eyebrows up,
Pack the ceremony, and reception boxes,
Pack the bridal emergency kit
Pack for the weekend
Pick up the dress and the tux.
pack the car

Friday morning:

Go to the jewelry store. Get teh STOOF!
Get nails and toesies done!

theres a bunch more i promise.
I realize i dont have everything.
but why make this extremely long?

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